It is so hard not to be one of those "emotional bloggers". Especially since I am not on any social media these days. So people look at this one form of information, to fuel the "information trail" they have. Anything you put on the internet can be misunderstood and used as ammunition in a losing battle. So I am very careful as to what I say and put on here. I love sharing my pregnancy journey. Those people in my life who I do not speak with often, have a way of knowing how things are progressing and don't have to keep asking around to obtain information. And it gives me a place to share what news I CHOOSE and express how I feel (most of the time). However, venting on the internet is frowned upon and often misunderstood, so I try to stay away from doing that. I know you know what I'm saying ;)
In these last few months of being pregnant I will be "nesting", as we finish the nursery, wash the new clothes, organize the house and prepare for Lilianna's arrival. Cameron is gone a lot for work, so it gives me a lot of time to reflect and prepare my mind for motherhood. I have wanted to be a mom my whole life. I would pack a diaper bag and get my dolls ready to go on trips in the car. Or pretend to live in the woods (the few trees behind our house when I was 8) and take care of my "family", scavenging for food, twigs and making shelter. I would play out the Box Car Children books, pretending to be "Violet", the older sister who takes care of her 3 younger siblings. Everything I did revolved around taking care of children. It was like I have been practicing for 25 years for this time in my life. I look as Lily's clothes, little bouncer and tiny pacifiers....remembering when I bought these similar items when I was 10, at garage sales. I would even make pretend formula with cornstarch and water. Buying old bottles (or using ones my mom had from when I was a baby) putting in a scoop of corn starch and filling it with water. when you shake it up it looks like formula. then eventually it separates and settles, until you want to use it again. Lasting a week or so before it needed to be changed. I would save my allowance to purchase real newborn diapers for my dolls. And when you're 10...$12 is a fortune!! I longed for the day I could be a "real" mom. I acquired miscellaneous pets so I could take care of those. But it never filled the spot in my heart that a child would. Throughout my 20's I had a very hard time with life- and made some horrible and sad decisions. Which made being a mom even harder to imagine. My dream was to become a mom by age 30. I didn't expect my dream to actually come true. Especially at the time in my life that it had. So, now, I spend my days dreaming of my little girl. Feeling her kick and squirm inside me. Watching my belly move and enjoying this feeling of creating a life. As I was growing up, people always said I'd be a wonderful Mommy and even as I got older, I was asked "when are you going to have children?" But there were those who doubled my abilities and really made me hate myself. I sunk more and more into the belief that I would never be a mom and that I didn't deserve to be. To this day.....I still encounter those people (negative nancy's) who I have a hard time with. I removed myself from social networks because I was getting killed with comments saying I am a liar and this baby isn't real. That pretty much, my whole life is made up. All these things being created and fueled by a family member. So I protected myself and my baby. But I find out- always the hard way- that those things don't just live on the internet. But in people's hearts.
Which brings me to my big question....How long am I able to protect Lilianna from these people? This horrible world?! When people from the beginning have made the accusations that she's not real....and have been out to hurt us from the start?! We do plan to eventually move away from here (where we both grew up), to stifle the path of personal information and over bearing unsolicited opinions....but that's not for a few years. For now, I just need to figure out how to shelter Lily from this, until we can disconnect from it. I feel so bad bringing her into a world where people are so hurtful and intentionally mean. I know it's reality and I cannot shelter her from it forever, but I really wish I could create an environment where she can grow up not being influenced by said people. Have you had this experience? How have you dealt with it? Did people ridicule you for everything? Am I dreaming of something I can never attain?
I just worry. It's normal. I cry, laugh, scream.....and am scared. Just wish I was able to be the parent I always dreamed of being, without having to explain every thing I do, think or say. I have to defend everything. And it's exhausting. Lilianna is my angel. Her and her father have saved my life. I have chosen to disconnect from so many things because I realize more and more that my fears are fueled by those around me. I have chosen to surround myself (and Lilianna) with family and friends who love us unconditionally. She will know her Maternal grandma (gmolala), great grand parents and a few select maternal great aunts and uncles. But on her father's side- she has countless people who love her- and I, like we've been around since day 1. So, I know she will know LOVE and SUPPORT. She'll have 2 aunts and 1 uncle who will always be there to spoil her and love her....grandparents to cuddle with....her mommy's friends (who she will consider aunts and uncles too), to give her the world and support her....all the people we know will be a good influence and be a good example. Those decisions we have ,made with happy hearts and open minds. Always keeping Lily's best interests in focus. At this time in our lives, we will ONLY accept positivity. All negativity will be stopped at the door. Cameron and I agree- our child is a reflection of us. And how we choose to raise her.
This parenting this isn't supposed to be easy. That's the beauty of it.
In these last few months of being pregnant I will be "nesting", as we finish the nursery, wash the new clothes, organize the house and prepare for Lilianna's arrival. Cameron is gone a lot for work, so it gives me a lot of time to reflect and prepare my mind for motherhood. I have wanted to be a mom my whole life. I would pack a diaper bag and get my dolls ready to go on trips in the car. Or pretend to live in the woods (the few trees behind our house when I was 8) and take care of my "family", scavenging for food, twigs and making shelter. I would play out the Box Car Children books, pretending to be "Violet", the older sister who takes care of her 3 younger siblings. Everything I did revolved around taking care of children. It was like I have been practicing for 25 years for this time in my life. I look as Lily's clothes, little bouncer and tiny pacifiers....remembering when I bought these similar items when I was 10, at garage sales. I would even make pretend formula with cornstarch and water. Buying old bottles (or using ones my mom had from when I was a baby) putting in a scoop of corn starch and filling it with water. when you shake it up it looks like formula. then eventually it separates and settles, until you want to use it again. Lasting a week or so before it needed to be changed. I would save my allowance to purchase real newborn diapers for my dolls. And when you're 10...$12 is a fortune!! I longed for the day I could be a "real" mom. I acquired miscellaneous pets so I could take care of those. But it never filled the spot in my heart that a child would. Throughout my 20's I had a very hard time with life- and made some horrible and sad decisions. Which made being a mom even harder to imagine. My dream was to become a mom by age 30. I didn't expect my dream to actually come true. Especially at the time in my life that it had. So, now, I spend my days dreaming of my little girl. Feeling her kick and squirm inside me. Watching my belly move and enjoying this feeling of creating a life. As I was growing up, people always said I'd be a wonderful Mommy and even as I got older, I was asked "when are you going to have children?" But there were those who doubled my abilities and really made me hate myself. I sunk more and more into the belief that I would never be a mom and that I didn't deserve to be. To this day.....I still encounter those people (negative nancy's) who I have a hard time with. I removed myself from social networks because I was getting killed with comments saying I am a liar and this baby isn't real. That pretty much, my whole life is made up. All these things being created and fueled by a family member. So I protected myself and my baby. But I find out- always the hard way- that those things don't just live on the internet. But in people's hearts.
Which brings me to my big question....How long am I able to protect Lilianna from these people? This horrible world?! When people from the beginning have made the accusations that she's not real....and have been out to hurt us from the start?! We do plan to eventually move away from here (where we both grew up), to stifle the path of personal information and over bearing unsolicited opinions....but that's not for a few years. For now, I just need to figure out how to shelter Lily from this, until we can disconnect from it. I feel so bad bringing her into a world where people are so hurtful and intentionally mean. I know it's reality and I cannot shelter her from it forever, but I really wish I could create an environment where she can grow up not being influenced by said people. Have you had this experience? How have you dealt with it? Did people ridicule you for everything? Am I dreaming of something I can never attain?
I just worry. It's normal. I cry, laugh, scream.....and am scared. Just wish I was able to be the parent I always dreamed of being, without having to explain every thing I do, think or say. I have to defend everything. And it's exhausting. Lilianna is my angel. Her and her father have saved my life. I have chosen to disconnect from so many things because I realize more and more that my fears are fueled by those around me. I have chosen to surround myself (and Lilianna) with family and friends who love us unconditionally. She will know her Maternal grandma (gmolala), great grand parents and a few select maternal great aunts and uncles. But on her father's side- she has countless people who love her- and I, like we've been around since day 1. So, I know she will know LOVE and SUPPORT. She'll have 2 aunts and 1 uncle who will always be there to spoil her and love her....grandparents to cuddle with....her mommy's friends (who she will consider aunts and uncles too), to give her the world and support her....all the people we know will be a good influence and be a good example. Those decisions we have ,made with happy hearts and open minds. Always keeping Lily's best interests in focus. At this time in our lives, we will ONLY accept positivity. All negativity will be stopped at the door. Cameron and I agree- our child is a reflection of us. And how we choose to raise her.
This parenting this isn't supposed to be easy. That's the beauty of it.